June 17th Journal Entry Wondering why I haven't gone to the river yet?

The past few days have been a time of irritation. My face was swelled out so much my skin felt tight and itchy. Red everywhere except for my forehead, my nose itched and looked like an over large radish attached to a red beach ball. I dreaded putting a razor to my face and decided not to one day. Thanks for reminding me that tiny golden hairs sprouting from a beach ball do not unmake a woman and bring negative attention near as much as the red beach ball all by itself.
I purchased antihistamine and went to the doctor's when the swelling in my throat became worrisome. I applied cortisone  twice a day as instructed and was glad that the itch moderated. Now, my face still itches but the swelling has gone down and the redness is lightening to sunburn pink.
During this swelling time I tried to stay at home and out of sight, but found I was very uncomfortable doing so. At first, I attributed this discomfort to the itch and to worry that I looked so bad that I did not want anyone to see me. But as time passed I recognized the falsity of these explanations.  I was antsy not because of the itch. I was uncomfortable because I was not interacting,  in communication, sharing with anyone but you. You are alright, but you have to admit that most of our conversations are one-sided. I talk and you listen. You show and I see. You hardly ever talk and I hardly ever show.
When I am with other folks, I spend much time listening and much time showing. I was missing that people centered dynamic. Because I missed that interaction I slipped into analyzing mode, and started wondering why I missed that kind of people sharing. Why?
I remember that I have a very high need to be loving. That doesn't mean I need to be loved much, but I need to be expressing love and caring to be happy. That's part of my genetic make up, something I can not change and don't ever want to change. When my father tried to use killing my pets and beating the snot out of my mother against me, I reached out to protect and care even more. Although I have a more than average need for freedom, that kicks in whenever I experience some one's attempts to control me, I still need always to find ways to help people.

June 14th Journal Entry

I have been home for more than ten days. I stayed for Devon's funeral on Thursday and thought I would be moving on the river by now. On the 12th my next started to swell just a bit and I had an itch at the corner of my mouth. I asked Lorrie if she could see any swelling and she could not. During the night my face keep on itching and the itch spread. By 4am  on the 13th my face was bright red from my chin to my eye sockets. I walked to Counts Pharmacy in the morning and bought some diphenhydramine thinking that an antihistamine would help stifle my allergic reaction. No such luck.
That afternoon I walked to the pharmacy and purchased some calamine lotion to dry the weeping of my facial skin. My face had started to swell and my neck started to itch. The drying calamine lotion over the reddened skin marks me like an Australian bushman. That evening I could hardly read because of the irritation of my eyes.
Today the swelling has gone on growing in spite of two thorough face scrubbings and extra shower that I hoped would remove any allergens that had contaminated my hair.  Now, my throat has swollen and I am starting to worry that this skin irritation might be quite serious. Lorrie thinks I should see a doctor this evening, but I will try to hold off until morning.
The weather has been warm and dry and I wish I was back floating. Hey, daddy, I think I need help again.